By Brad Unruh, MA, LMFTA
We’ve heard that “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results” right? So why is it so common to see negative patterns repeat over and over in relationships?
What does this look like in a relationship?
Jane is a driven woman who has a demanding job. She often comes home late from work and forgets to tell John where she is or when she will be home. John feels alienated from the woman he fell in love with and over time starts to believe that Jane is selfish, inconsiderate, and doesn’t care about their relationship. His fears of losing his wife evolve into feelings of abandonment and betrayal. The stronger his feelings, the more his criticism and anger shoot out of control. Jane feels more and more that John is critical, controlling, and that he doesn’t understand her needs or how demanding her job is. Feeling misunderstood, alone, and overwhelmed, she throws herself deeper into her career. The stronger her feelings, the more she retreats. John’s solution: express his feelings through criticism and anger to try and stop the hurtful behaviors. Jane’s solution: withdrawal from the pain of her relationship and focus on her career. This cycle continues until there is a distance so far between Jane and John that they don’t even know one another anymore. Both are likely to feel unloved, misunderstood, and hopeless. Neither one of them like what’s happening. And yet, they feel like they have no power to stop the cycle. If Jane and John’s story sounds familiar, keep reading! There’s hope.
Making the shift from what to how
Typically, couples and families are focused almost entirely on what offenses have taken place and the details of negative and hurtful experiences. Detail oriented conversations are a back and forth tennis match of accusations and defensive responses. Ironically, this is the same pattern of dysfunction that mudslinging political campaigns are fueled by! Their solution is to dig as much dirt up as possible on their opponent while simultaneously polishing their reputation to a glossy shine to get votes and win elections. As disgusted as we are with this type of behavior, we often apply the same exact dynamics to the most significant relationships in our life. To get out of this kind of downward spiral, there has to be a shift from the what to the how.
Focusing in on what the problems are comes natural to us as human beings. The what includes the details of the offenses and mistakes made against us. We tend to have an unparalleled memory of these offenses and are quick to discount an accusation with quickly retrieved evidence. It’s unnatural for couples to focus on how they process these problems. The how has more to do with the tone of voice being used, body posture, power dynamics during the conversation, the feelings being expressed, the sense of safety and security in the midst of a difficult discussion, and whether or not people are feeling heard, understood, and validated. When the what overpowers the how, destruction and chaos tip the scales in their favor. Couples have much more success, even when processing extremely hurtful and negative material, when their process feels safe, secure, respectful, and calm. This is what happens when the how has the upper hand. Of course, this is easier said than done, so here are some tips.
5 steps to begin the shift
- Get yourself out of attack mode: Become aware of your triggers and implement coping skills and relaxation. Mindfulness is great for this. For those of you who are tech savvy, the apps Headspace and Calm are both fantastic. Check ’em out.
- Prevent defensive responses: Stay calm, use non-blaming language, and focus on your feelings rather than on what went wrong when bringing up a difficult conversation. This is called a “soft start up.”
- Develop a time-out strategy: Know the signs of a crisis building, go through the checklist, (What’s happening in your body? What thoughts are you having? What behaviors can you notice?) and call the time-out BEFORE hitting the boiling point. Give the relationship a “breather.” I typically suggest at least 20 minutes before revisiting.
- Revisit once calm: Check in after the time-out. If 20 minutes wasn’t enough, put another 20 minutes on the clock. But don’t sweep it under the rug. Avoidance is just as powerful as repairing and healing.
- Celebrate the wins: If your partner does something different than they normally would (sharing a vulnerable emotion instead of exploding, investing in the conversation instead of avoiding, listening rather than speaking over you) do NOT let the moment pass. Use positive reinforcement by thanking them, showering them in compliments and praise, let them know what it felt like to see that difference, and really enjoy those steps forward.