By Missy Irvin, MA, LMFT
1. Your spouse needs to be able to talk about it.
The betrayed needs to be able to say when they are feeling triggered without you getting mad. Listen with empathy. Your spouse will ask the same questions over and over. Be patient with him/her. They are still trying to wrap their mind around it. You may be tired of talking about it and it does need to be a balance, however, it takes an average of 2 years of hard work to recover from an affair.
2. Show you care about the impact you had on your spouse.
This is a trauma to your spouse. This cuts them to the core. They will go through a myriad of emotions; hurt, anger, sad, insecure, that they’re crazy, loss of identity, unattractive, loss of specialness, embarrassed, humiliated, foolish for not seeing it, betrayed. You may feel relieved after the affair comes to light but a bomb has just been dropped on them. Hear them when they say they are mad at you and resent you. Paraphrase back with how you have hurt them. Offer a meaningful apology.
3. Be willing to have some rights taken away until you earn them back.
Your spouse will want to know where you are going, who you are with, who you are texting. They will want to check your email, Facebook account, bank account and phone records.
To help them build trust, be as open and transparent as possible. Offer information to your spouse so they don’t have to ask. For example, if you see the person you had the affair with in the grocery store, then tell your spouse. If you are on the road, then check in with them and tell them your plans – when you will arrive, what you will be doing and who you will be with. Then check in after your event.
4. Explore how the affair happened.
Partners want to know why you did this. What went wrong? The marriage probably needs strengthened and many times through counseling, the marriage is strengthened and communication becomes better than it ever was. However bad the marriage was, though, this does not give the unfaithful spouse a reason to cheat. Sometimes the reason is because there is a sex addiction. If this is the reason, then the addict will need additional treatment in addition to couples
5. Set new boundaries.
Most affairs happen with someone they work with. Spending large amounts of time together can create emotional closeness. Typically people don’t have good boundaries in the workforce and it happens one step at a time.