Sulfuric Acid for Love

What would you say if someone approached you saying you are headed for divorce? Would you want to know how to prevent it?

Dr. John Gottman has identified four distinct behaviors in marriage that are predictors of divorce. He calls them the four horsemen of the apocalypse. These behaviors are destructive and you can consider them warning signs for disaster.

By knowing Gottman’s four predictors of divorce, you can identify and change these in your relationship. Being able to stop negative patterns in your relationship can allow it to heal and grow.

Contempt

The first divorce predictor, and I believe the most important one, is contempt. Contempt includes cynical comments and mockery of one’s partner. This establishes a sense of superiority. This can easily result in defensiveness from your spouse (which is another one of Gottman’s predictors). There is a great example of contempt (as well as the other behaviors) shown in the video attachment below.

Defensiveness

The second predictor of divorce Gottman says is defensiveness. Defensiveness is destructive because you are not taking ownership of your faults. Think about a time where someone became defensive towards you. Did you feel heard or understood?  Defensiveness makes others feel unreasonable for addressing any issues. In turn, creates a hostile environment where neither party feels safe to be honest.

Stonewalling

Gottman also warns about stonewalling. Stonewalling is where you refuse to talk or even acknowledge the other person. Openness and honesty can create all the difference because it allows you to move forward. Stonewalling keeps you stuck and angry.

Criticism

This behavior is tricky to avoid, because there is a degree to which constructive criticism can be helpful in a relationship. However, there are other criticisms that are not at all constructive. These include name calling, put downs and using ‘always’ and ‘never’.

 

Watch Gottman discuss each of these with examples here:

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=625t8Rr9o6o

These predictors of divorce are like pouring sulfuric acid on love. Look for these signs and be wary to keep negative patterns like this away from cherished relationships and they will be better for it! If you have any of these patterns, then let us help!  http://marriagecenter.us/our-services/