Cheating
Sally had a very big secret. A secret that she tried so hard to keep from everybody, especially her husband Jim. She was afraid to tell him, to let him in and know he wasn’t the only one in her life who she was devoted to. Prior to getting married 5 years ago, Sally had convinced Jim that she was no longer in a joint relationship with her past abusive lover, Ed. She promised Jim that she was “done” with this other relationship and she had meant it!
The relationship with Ed had been going on for a long time prior to meeting her now husband Jim. One could say they were “high-school sweethearts”, as this is when they first met and became inseparable. The relationship began following a brutal date rape that occurred her sophomore year in high school. During which, Sally was held down and forced to endure the assault. The assault left Sally feeling like she had no control over her body. Desperate to numb the pain and regain control over her body, she met her high school sweetheart.
Ed’s control and abuse
Ed taught her how to control her body and provided a distraction that numbed the pain of the assault she was afraid to report. Soon, they were dependent on each other; the same person. Sally relied on the identity, routine and avoidance from her pain the relationship initially gave her. But, after several months in the relationship, Ed too began to abuse her. He began by saying things like “you’re not good enough”, “you’re a fat, lazy cow” and the worse, “nobody cares about you, you might as well just give up and die”. At first, she fought hard to talk back to Ed but over time, she became weak. She began believing the lies Ed constantly was shouting to her. Sally tried to leave the relationship, many times actually. But every time she’d tried to run away from the abuse, he would come back with promising lies about relieving the pain and emptiness she felt. He convinced her that she would only be safe with him, that he was the only one who could possibly love “an ugly fatty” like her. So, she stayed with him. He would prevent her from going out with her friends and family as they expressed how much they didn’t approve of the relationship. She became isolated, all her time was focused on pleasing him, to get him from saying nasty things about her.
Overtime, the abuse became so horrible that she would end up in the hospital, her body failing her, emaciated and depleted. She became brittle and frail. Her hair started falling out and she was always cold. She began treatment that taught her how to avoid the abusive relationship and healthy coping skills for when Ed would come around with his lies of a better life with him. Unfortunately, time after time, when life became unbearable she would go back to Ed’s false promises and the relationship would start back up again. Soon enough, she was stuck in an abusive cycle. She would leave the relationship, create independence apart from Ed and then falling back into the relationship when she became triggered and overwhelmed with life’s demands.
Secrets
When Sally met her husband Jim, she was in the part of the cycle away from her abuser, creating independence and healthy relationships. Jim was sweet and caring. He loved Sally with all his heart. He had known of her previous abusive relationship with Ed but believed Sally had moved on and was committed to him. They soon got married and from the outside, things appeared to be going great. Over time, Jim began noticing some concerning things going on with Sally. She seemed to be distant, her eyes didn’t shine like they used to and she never seemed to have the energy to do anything. Her skin was ice cold and she often would be away from home for hours at a time and would come up with inconsistent explanations for her disappearance. But, afraid of jumping to conclusions and unsure of what to say, Jim resorted to silence, saying nothing.
Their marriage drifted apart and their relationship resembled more of a roommate situation at best. They stopped eating meals together, having date nights or intimate relations. Jim began acting out of anger as his wife became increasingly more distant. He began yelling at her during meals while she sat vacantly staring at her plate, she would cry, he would yell more, which ultimately resulted in her leaving the room in tears. This cycle continued for quite some time. Finally, one day Jim found Sally cheating on him. He came home from work early, thinking he might be able to surprise her and hopefully would result in some much-needed intimacy. Instead, he came home to his wife shoving cookies in her mouth as fast as she could. There were bags of groceries all over the floor and the room smelled of vomit. Jim was crushed.
Finally, she couldn’t hide her secret relationship anymore. Sally had to tell her husband that she had gone back to her abusive relationship with Ed; the Eating Disorder.
Eating Disorders
Sadly, this relationship is not one of a kind. To date, there are 30 million Americans caught in the same abusive relationship with an eating disorder (Ed) (Hudson, Hiripi, Pope & Kessler, 2007). Left untreated, individuals become isolated from loved ones, secretive and have difficulty expressing their emotions (Van den Broucke, Vandereycken & Vertommen, 1995). This is especially difficult when individuals struggling with an eating disorder are in a committed relationship. Significant others often feel helpless and have difficulty understanding their partner’s illness. They are fearful of saying the wrong thing and often resort to saying nothing (Fischer, Baucom, Kirby & Bulik, 2015) as was the case of Sally and Jim. Furthermore, partners can act out in anger or hostility at their loved one’s disordered behavior which in turn exacerbates the cycle of shame and secrecy (2015).
Thankfully, there is hope for individuals in a relationship struggling with an eating disorder. In previous literature, adults struggling with Ed have often been treated on an individual basis. However, in recent studies, the improved efficacy and overall relapse prevention rate of couples-based treatment for eating disorders has shown promising results. ‘Individuals who have recovered from eating disorders describe supportive relationships as vital to their recovery’ (Linville, Brown, Sturm & McDougal, 2012). Cognitive Behavioral Couples Therapy (CBCT) has been shown effective in helping restore healthy communication and decrease secrecy around the illness (Epstein & Baucom, 2002) leading to improved recovery rates for those engaged in couple-focused treatment. Furthermore, the use of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) assists couples in addressing their feelings and needs throughout the recovery process.
In the end, Sally and Jim’s story had a happy ending. They sought out treatment that focused on joint recovery of unhealthy behaviors. They worked to establish a secure attachment in one another and worked together to build accountability around healthy eating behaviors. Sally also sought individual treatment to address the trauma she experienced from her sexual assault which she later shared with Jim in a couple’s session, helping him to better understand her triggers. Their intimacy is being restored and they have begun learning how to have healthy communication with one another.
If you or someone you know is currently caught up in the abusive, secretive relationship with Ed, contact me today so we can begin the process to recovery. Recovery is possible, it’s time to break free from the lies Ed is telling you.
Aly Richardson
(260)251-3301/arichardsoncounseling@gmail.com
References
Epstein, B. & Baucom, H. (2002). Enhanced cognitive-behavioral therapy for couples: A contextual approach. American Psychological Association. Washington, D.C
Fischer, S., Baucom, H., Kirby, S. & Bulik, M. (2015). Partner distress in the context of adult anorexia nervosa: the role of patients’ perceived negative consequences of AN and partner behaviors. Int J Eat Disord. 48(1):67-71.
Hudson, J. I., Hiripi, E., Pope, H. G., & Kessler, R. C. (2007). The prevalence and correlates of eating disorders in the national comorbidity survey replication. Biological Psychiatry, 61(3), 348–358.
Linville, D., Brown, T., Sturm, K. & McDougal, T. (2012). Eating disorders and social support: perspectives of recovered individuals. Eat Disord. 20(3):216-31
Van den Broucke, S., Vandereycken, W. & Vertommen, H. (1995). Marital intimacy in patients with an eating disorder: A controlled self-report study. British Journal of Clinical Psychology. 34(Pt 1):67–78.