About 80% of all marriages exhibit a communication pattern known as the Pursuer/Withdrawer dynamic.  The Pursuer in the relationship is typically the more verbal partner.  When things do not feel right in the relationship, the Pursuer wants to talk about it right then.  For the Pursuer, a breach in the relationship creates anxiety and makes them feel disconnected.  Therefore, the Pursuer will go to great lengths to try to talk through relational issues, and if their efforts are not reciprocated, they may ramp up the volume and intensity.

In contrast, the Withdrawer in the relationship is the classic conflict avoider. The Withdrawer is typically less verbal and needs time to think about issues before discussing them.  The Withdrawer desires peace in the relationship and prefers to let things just blow over rather than discuss them.  The Withdrawer typically perceives talking about touchy issues as a threat.

Therefore, the more the Pursuer tries to pursue, the more the Withdrawer retreats.  And, the more the Withdrawer tries to retreat, the more the Pursuer pursues.  Predictably, this creates an escalating cycle that leaves both partners feeling distant and frustrated.

​The good news is that communication is a skill that can be learned. Most of us did not learn these skills in our family of origin or elsewhere.  We can help you learn to communicate effectively and alleviate the  frustration that comes from missing each other in communication.